


When we are old

by cow_cookies



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, OTP Feels, Post-War, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-03-03
Packaged: 2018-09-27 13:04:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10021880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cow_cookies/pseuds/cow_cookies
Summary: “If we are still alone at the age of 50, we’ll try it.”“Try what?” She backed away, studying his face in shock, knowing perfectly well what he had meant.“Us. We will get together if we are still single then.”





	1. Nothing to lose

**Author's Note:**

  * For [4077th](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=4077th).



> Written for 4077th because of this post on tumblr:  
> http://4077th.tumblr.com/post/157218024634/hawkeyemargaret-fic-idea
> 
> Thanks to Mianmaru for betaing.

It all started with the announcement of peace. Peace. A real Peace. All night they had danced and laughed, it was unbelievable the war was over. Just a few hours and they would be on the way home. Everyone was in the mess tent, discussing the plans for home. Hawk was looking around, feeling an urgent need to hug Margaret. They had become close in the past years and now, where it all came to an end, he longed for a proper goodbye.

 

“Margaret what are you doing outside? You now the big party is in here?” He left the doorstep as he pointed into the mess tent. “I’m sure Bj is just about to drop his pants. Sure you want to miss that?” 

 

She smiled softly, “Positiv. I just need some quietness right now.” 

 

“What’s wrong?” His voice was turning slightly concerned as he walked over to her. Taking a seat on the wooden boxes right next to Margaret. 

 

“Oh, nothing.”

 

“I think we both know, that's not true.” He gave her an encouraging smile. 

 

“Oh heck, whatever. Apparently, I just can’t fool you and trust me I’ve tried.” She smirked as she nudged his side with hers. He placed his arm around her shoulder, chuckling.

 

“No chance, Major. And by the way distracting doesn't help either. So let me in on your secret thoughts.”

 

“But it is kind of silly.”

 

“Oh c’mon, Margaret it is just uncle Hawk.” He grinned. 

 

“Fine…” She sighed, ”You know my carrier is sorted and I’m sure it will be fine but…” She stopped, searching for words.

 

“But you are scared about the rest?” He asked.

 

“Mhh… what if there is nothing else? What if I’m ending up alone or, worse, with Donald No. 2?” Fear was creeping into her voice, not going unnoticed by Hawkeye. 

 

“Listen Margaret,” He turned and grasped her upper arms to look in her eyes. “You are the most stunning women I’ve ever met. You are passionate, spirited and strong, but also caring and loving. Why on earth do you think you remain single?” 

 

“Did you see the men I had? Even if I did find someone he must turn out to be a jerk.”

 

“But you have become so much more self-confident. You are not ending up with this kind of men anymore. You will kick their asses as fast as lightning.” 

 

“Right and then I’m alone again. I’m sure there is no man for me like Bj.” She was frustrated.

 

“I’m sure there is one for you.” He pulled her in a soft embrace, wondering how she could not see the Margaret he saw.

 

“I’m not.” But she was smiling against his chest. A warm feeling welled up in her belly as she let herself sink deeper into the embrace. They sat there not moving, just enjoying the moment as long as they could. 

On an impulse Hawk raised his head, “What do you think… I just had a great idea... “ He got pretty excited. “If we are still alone at the age of 50, we’ll try it.”

 

“Try what?” She backed away, studying his face in shock, knowing perfectly well what he had meant. 

 

“Us. We will get together if we are still single then.”

 

“No! We can’t… that is stupid… silly…”

 

“Brilliant?” He was grinning madly. 

 

She eyed him for a long time, while her inner voices desperately analyzed the words she had heard. It was neither right nor decent but she actually felt kind of relieved. 

 

“I… don’t know. Maybe…” She stammered, avoiding his eyes.

 

He gently lifted up Margaret’s chin and made her look directly in his deep blue eyes. “There is nothing to lose. I’m sure you are not single by this time, but if you are, fine, we will spent the rest of our time with a person we know better than anyone in our whole life. We have seen each other in all possible ways, we know the best and the worst of us.” His voice was tender nearly loving and his soft gaze underlined it.

The nearly helpless expression on her face made him want to kiss her. He felt the rising tickle in his body, he so often had suppressed in the bigger part of the last two years. Skilled, he forced it back down and waited for her answer.

 

“Fine.” It wasn’t even a whisper and to her surprise he tugged her close and planted a soft kiss on her hair. “Then it’s set. If we’re both still single by the time we’re 50, we’ll get together.” He was smiling brightly, resting his head on hers.

 

“Lok at thuse luvbids” Bjs drunken voice crossed the compound as he was careening towards them. Margaret recoiled from Hawkeye but relaxed as soon as she noticed the state Bj was in. She was sure tomorrow he couldn't remember a thing.

 

“C’mon Major, we better go back inside or we are the main topic of the last few hours.” He winked as he grabbed the other man's arm, to guide him back inside. Margaret followed them, feeling much more at ease.

 

**

 

Now there he was. Staring at her, trying desperately to find the right words to say. It wasn’t a goodbye, at least he hoped so. Images of them sitting on their porch together being all gray and old flooded his head. The tickling feeling not only overtook his body but also his mind and he didn’t even try to fight it. With two steps he held her in his arms, kissing her with passion, letting all the unspoken words and suppressed emotions seep into it. Trying to tell her everything he couldn't say. 

  
His lips were soft on hers. To her own surprise she had hurried towards him as soon as he had moved the first muscle. Sensing all the things he was willing to give, she nearly lost herself in his arms. In the warmth of his body and the sensation of his lips. Not even the attendance of bystanders could hold her back. She exactly needed this goodbye. Images of them sitting on a porch together being all gray and old appeared in her mind. Maybe it wasn’t a goodbye, she hoped.


	2. And how are you?

“Boy, what are you wearing? You are not considering this an appropriate dress for your first reunion, do you?” Daniel Pierce was shaking his head as he saw his son coming down the stairs, wearing his blue and white hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat to bluejeans. 

 

“Why not? How would they be able recognize me otherwise?” The younger mockingly asked.

 

“As far as I know you, they will, even if you are wearing a full costume!” Daniel laughed.

 

“We will see. How do I look?” Hawk questioned, stopping at the mirror in the hall, checking his hair for about the twentieth time. He tried to adjust his hat in a perfect angle.

 

“Except for your outfit, fine I guess. Why are you so nervous? Do you expect to see someone special?” The older was curious, knowing a few stories about a certain female Major. Not that his son would have given him any informative details but Daniel had a strong presumption.

 

Hawkeye stopped in his movement, “No... Just all the people who shared the purgatory with me…” He straightened himself and headed for the door, leaving his grinning father behind in the hall. 

 

He could not believe it had already been a year since the war ended. A whole year he had spent in his father's practice. A nice boring job with nice boring diseases. A cold here and a sprained ankle there. He loved his calm and easy life, it was the perfect contrast to the years before. And now he was sitting in his car driving all the way to New York to meet his past. He was looking forward to see the whole group again but on the other hand he feared the unbidden upcoming memories. He still had to cope with his nightmares and some pretty nasty flashbacks now and then.

 

**

 

As Margaret entered the hotel she was as anxious as she was excited, she hadn’t heard from one of her friends since she returned home. The hall was crowded but she only needed a split second to see the tall man with a toddler on his arm.

 

“BEEJ!” She practically flew in his arms as soon as he had handed Erin to Peg.  

 

“Margaret! It so great to see you!” He pulled her into a bear hug. 

 

“I didn’t even notice that I missed you this much.” She said coming of his embrace. 

 

“Why thanks, Margaret.” He replied in fake hurt. 

 

“Have you seen any other members yet?” 

 

“No. I just arrived here. I didn’t even make it to the check in.”

 

Peg cleared her throat.

 

“Oh, right, may I introduce my lovely wife Peg and little Erin? This is Major Margaret Houlihan.”

 

Peg smiled as Margaret held out her hand. 

 

“If I had known, Bj was surrounded by women like you, I would have been more worried.” The woman quipped as she shook the other's hand.

 

“I... eh…” Stuttered the Major.

 

“Oh, love, you wouldn’t have to. Margaret here is already taken.” Bj winked towards the blonde.

 

“Ahh that’s great. Where is he?” Peg inquired.

 

“Actually, Beej, I’m not taken. Still single.” Margaret was eyeing the man in irritation.

 

“Margaret, you are taken since I know you.” With a soft smirk Bj turned towards the front desk, “I will get us registered. You three can stay here and get to know each other.” 

 

“Thanks, hon.” His wife smiled.

 

The women settled on a really comfortable looking couch. 

 

“May I asked what Bj meant?” Peg was curious.

 

“I have absolutely no idea.” Margaret answered honestly. “It is really nice to meet you. I actually feel like I’ve known you for ages. Bj was talking about you and that little girl there all the time.” She cupped the tiny hand of Erin and the toddler shyly smiled, hiding her head against mommy's chest. 

 

“To be honest, it’s the same here. As he came home, he also brought a whole new family and  I’m full of expectations finally meeting all of you now.” The other woman's voice was full of love and a bit of concern.

 

*

 

Slowly more and more members of the 4077th arrived and the venue got pretty crowded. Everywhere one could hear laughing and cheering until Potter raised his glass hitting it with a spoon. 

 

“C’mon, sit down folks. Sit down… It also includes you Bigelow!” He yelled through the room. Everyone settled down at the big table, still crackling. Margaret was sitting next to Bj having Erin on her lap. She scanned the people around her. Everyone was there, nearly everyone. There was this particular surgeon missing, she hadn’t even noticed his absence but now it stung her.

The Colonel tapped his glass again and as soon as it was all silent, he began to welcome his friends.

 

“...and this is why we are all he-” The door swung open and Hawkeye entered to venue. “Ah Pierce, you always need the dramatic entrance, do you? But anyway nice to see you.” 

 

“You know Colonel, keep the best for last.” He opened his arms grinning mockingly and seated himself next to the padre.

 

“Well now we are finally complete, just let me say it is good to have you all here and enjoy our little gathering.” Potter rolled his eyes in fake annoyance and raised his glass. The crowd did the same. 

Margaret felt someone staring at her as she helped Erin eat. She looked up and saw Hawkeye watching her with a mix of love and amazement. She sent him a shy smile as he raised his glass to greet her. Returning the gesture she focused on Erin again. 

 

*

 

All night they had danced and laughed just like in their last night in Korea. He had a whole lot to do to talk to everyone and wasn’t alone for even a second. As it got late Hawk spotted Margaret sitting at the bar. He dropped himself next to her, ordering a martini.

 

“Hallo soldier, come here often?” He asked.

 

“Hi Hawk.” She smiled.

 

“It was pretty crowded I couldn't get a hold of you.” 

 

“Now you do.”

 

An awkward silence spread as both nursed their drinks, studying the bottles lined up in front of them.

 

“And how are you?” He asked, turning to her.

 

“I’m fine. Nothing special. I’m in Seattle now, being head nurse in a VA hospital.”

 

“Seattle, uh? That's quite far way from… New York.” 

 

“Yeah... “ Silence spread again. ”And you? What about you?”

 

“Oh I’m a small town doctor treating small town issues. It’s great. Exactly what I needed after…”

 

“I know what you mean.” 

 

He was staring in his drink trying to find a funny remark or witty joke. Giving up he placed a hand on Margaret's, feeling this well known tickle, “I missed you. I didn’t even realized how much till I saw you.”

 

“I missed you, too.” She leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder.

 

“Listen Margaret, let us stay in contact this time. I don’t like the thought of completely losing you. Who knows if there will be another reunion.”

 

“I can only say, I agree.”

 

“Let’s make a deal: No matter how hard life will become or how busy we get, we will at least sent a card for the holidays.”

 

“Deal.”  

 

He planted a soft kiss on her hair and was awkwardly strong reminded of the last night they had spent together.

  
  


Bj was dancing with Peg as he noticed his two best friends cuddling at the bar.

 

“See love, this is the reason Margaret is taken.”

 

“I definitely see it. But I think they don’t.”

  
“No, but I’m sure they will, sooner or later.” He gave his wife a tender kiss, “Not everyone can be as wise as I am.” He chuckled. 


	3. A deal is a deal

Dear Margaret,

happy 4th of July for you and your loved ones.

Hawkeye

 

She turned the card around in her hand. First, recognizing his handwriting, her heart had leaped. But this short note was a bit less than she had expected.

 

*

 

Dear Hawkeye,

I hope you have a nice 4th of July. I think of you.

Margaret

 

**

 

Dear Hawkeye,

I wish you a happy Thanksgiving.

Margaret

 

*

 

Dear Margaret,

I’m thankful for knowing you. Happy Thanksgiving.

Hawkeye

 

**

 

Dear Margaret,

have a magical holiday season.

Hawk

 

*

 

Dear Hawkeye,

I wish you a peaceful Christmas.

Margaret

 

**

 

Dear Margaret,

If my card reached you on time, this is your special day. Lately I’ve been thinking more and more about you. Hopefully you will have a lot of presents and a big nice chocolate cake. I wish I could be with you today.

Yours,

Hawk

 

Margaret was shocked. She didn’t even know that he knew her birthday. She was reading his note over and over again. He was thinking about her, wished he would be here.

 

**

 

Amused, she started to laugh as she saw the card. It was shaped like a little boy dressed in a fire fighter uniform. He was holding a heart that said ‘My heart “burns” for you, valentine.’.

It was the cheesiest and most offensive card she’d ever received. It wasn’t signed but she knew that there was only one man that was willing to seduce and offend her at the same time.

 

**

 

Dear Margaret,

On Christmas, there’s a reason to be happy and a reason to smile, and there’s a reason why I’m sending Christmas wishes your way. You’re it.

Merry Christmas.

Yours,

Hawk

 

*

Merry Christmas, dear Hawk.

I hope you are having wonderful holidays and a meal less gray than we were used to.

I’m thinking a lot of you during the holidays.

Yours,

Margaret

 

**

 

Dear Margaret,

I’m really looking forward to see you again. I think five years are way too long to not be seeing you but thankfully the next reunion is coming up.

Yours,

Hawk

 

*

 

Dear Hawk,

I’m looking forward to see you, too. And of course all the others. I’m glad Radar is organizing this reunion as well, so I can expect everything to go as planned. Not long now.

Yours,

Margaret


	4. Do you know Sandy?

Margaret found herself entering the same hotel as years before. It was the 5 year reunion of the 4077th and she was excited to see the changes that had occurred in the lives of the others.

She was walking towards the desk as someone grabbed her from behind, lifting her up and twirling her through the air. All guided by a loud “Margaret!”

 

“Ahhh… Hawk, let me down… let me down you, you…” He set her to her feet, smirking.

 

“C’mon Major! I’m sure you missed me.”

 

“Maybe I did but I did definitely not miss this nonsense.” But her smile betrayed her.

 

He pulled her close, “I can’t believe how much I missed you, Margaret!”

 

A woman was clearing her throat more than necessary as Margaret was about to answer. Hawk turned and broke the embrace immediately as he saw the skinny brunette. Margaret didn’t recognized her but could tell she wasn’t in the best mood.

 

“Ah, right may I introduce Sandy. Sandy this is Margaret.”

 

“Aha, you are the famous Major Houlihan. I’m Benjamins fiancé.” The brown-haired woman gave her best fake smile but her voice was sharp.

 

“Nice to meet you, but please call me Margaret.” She needed all her strength to stay polite. Not only the behaviour of this woman but also the huge sting in her heart had her nearly yelling. Inwardly she was tearing all his letters and cards apart. “Listen I better go now. I’ll see you later.” She addressed Hawkeye and turned to leave.

 

“Why didn’t you mention our engagement?” Hawk saw the fake smile vanishing as soon as Margaret had turned around.

 

“I don’t know… I just didn’t think about, I guess.” He answered, knowing full well why he hadn’t.

 

“I think it is the best to go upstairs.” She ordered as his eyes were following Margaret's back. “Benjamin are you coming?” He knew this tone was dangerous and so he obeyed.

 

*

 

“Peg, Bj, it is so great to see you. And look at your belly!” Margaret was staring at her pregnant friend just on the doorstep of the venue.

 

“Margaret!” Both took her in a big hug.

 

“And you can’t be Erin! You are way too big for the little girl I saw last time.” The blonde smiled watching the eight year old girl standing in the back, holding a little boys hand. She was rewarded with a shy giggle.

 

“Who are you?” The toddler was hiding his face behind his sister as he was addressed.

 

“This is Franklin.” Peg said lovingly.

 

“Hey little boy. And how old are you?” Bj had sent baby pictures but she couldn't believe it had been this long ago.

 

“’m tis old.” The boy proudly held up three fingers to the smiling blonde.

 

Bj bend down to Margaret, whispering in her ear, “Do you know Sandy, already?”

 

“Yes I meet her earlier.” She tried to hide her despair, still telling herself not to judge from her first impression.

 

“Isn’t she wonderful?” Bj grinned teasingly.

 

“Absolutely!”

 

“BEEJ!” Hawk yelled through the room. He was standing at the bar on the opposite holding up two glasses. Bj waved and after a quick kiss on Pegs lips he made his way through the people.

 

Hawkeye saw Margaret picking up the little boy and settling down with Peg at a table. He admired the view. He really couldn’t get enough of ‘caring Margaret’. Automatically he forced down the tickle in his stomach and took a big gulp of his gin.

 

“Hey Hawk.” Bj took a stool next to him. Following his gaze he teased, “are you watching Margaret? Watching other women is banned now.”

 

Hawkeye felt like a teenager caught peeking in on the girls showers and returned, “no… but I still can’t believe you named your son Frank!”

 

“I. did. not. name. him. Frank!”

 

“Yes you did.” Hawkeye was laughing, seeing the anger on his friends face.

 

“Did it ever appear to you, that I named him after another big jackass we both know, Benjamin _Franklin_ Pierce”

 

Hawk was wondering how he didn’t get that. Now it was more than obvious that the boy was named after him and shame and pride made him blush. A mocking smile spread on his face as he said, “Aww, you made a little Hawk.”

 

“Oh ,don’t say that. I cross all my fingers he’ll never be like you.”

 

“But you love me.” Hawk returned in fake hurt.

 

“I do BUT I don’t want to raise you!” Bj laughed. “But let’s talk about you. Tell me all about Sandy. Why didn’t you tell me about your engagement plans in the last letters? It was quite a shock to hear.”

 

“Em… You know… It was kind of spontaneous.”  He was ruffling his hair feeling slightly uncomfortable, not only with the question but also with the whole engagement thing.  

 

“I always thought you would never get married... although after... “ Bj was biting his tongue. Hoping his friend wouldn't press. It wasn’t the time to bring up the frequent small moments, he had been sure Margaret and Hawkeye would end up as a happily married couple.

 

“After what?”

 

“Em… never mind.”

 

“Oh c’mon, tell me!”

 

“No… I… Oh look Sandy is joining our girls.”

 

“Our girls?” Hawk was turning towards the table of the women.

  


Margaret was playing ‘itsy bitsy spider’ with Franklin as Sandy sat down.

 

“You don’t mind, do you?” the brown-haired said.

 

Both women glued a smile on their faces and shook their head ‘no’. Sandy was watching the blonde.

 

“It is a shame that you’ll never have children.” Her voice was hard.

 

“Why should I never have children?” Margaret asked in slightly rising anger.

 

“You are in the Army.”

 

“And this should be a reason?”

 

“You know, in my opinion a woman should stay at home. Supporting her husband as best as she can. Someone has to take care of the house.”

 

“Take care of the house?”

 

“Yes and a man is supposed to protect his wife. You are in the Army and I think that might scare men. So I wish you all the best but your chances are quite low to find a man, who is willing to accept that.”

 

Margaret felt her anger rising faster now. She was an independent strong woman and no one had to protect her.  

 

Hawkeye saw the blonde's expression and jumped to his feet, draining his drink.

 

“We should intervene, otherwise I’m a widower before I get married.”

 

Both men made their way to the table as Margaret slowly got to her feet, preparing a Major Houlihan reply for Sandy. A hand on her shoulder stopped her exactly in time.

 

“Hey girls, do you have fun?” Hawk was glad he had reached the blonde early enough.

 

“Absolutely!” Margaret said through clenched teeth.

 

“Yes, my honey bunch!” The overly sweet tune made the blonde sick.  

 

“More than you can imagine.” Peg giggled, enjoying the show.

 

“Well then, I would be the luckiest man on earth, if the most beautiful girl would dance with me.” Hawk wiggled his eyebrows as Sandy happily stood up but he just smiled at her. Margaret’s stomach jumped and she felt her cheeks flush. He held his hand out and the blonde was stunned as Erin slowly took it with a bright red face. He winked at Margaret and then turned to the little boy on her hip. “Hey little Hawk, you keep an eye on aunty Margaret for me?” The boy enthusiastically nodded. “Fine. Maybe daddy likes to dance with Sandy then?” Bj got the small plea behind it and held his hand out for her.

Margaret sat down as the dancers left.

 

“Can you believe that? Stay home, bringing him his slippers. I have fought too much to be a tiny little wifey! I can’t believe he is marrying her. What is this with him? Does he really just need someone who admires his beautiful blue eyes and great sense of humor? His great sense of humor isn’t this great by the way it is just annoying. And I’m sure she will make him happy. She will cook and clean and wear pink silly dresses just to please him and...” Margaret got herself into rage.

 

“Wow, Margaret. I know this is not your way of life but it almost looks, as if you are jealous.” Peg stopped her.

 

“Jealous? That is ridiculous. Why on earth should I be jealous?”

 

“Mhh, why should you be jealous? Maybe because of the beautiful blue eyes?” Peg teasingly said.

 

“What? No. We are just friends. Nothing more, nothing less. I mean we barely hadn’t any contact in the last years. A few letters and cards but that’s it. Nothing more.”

 

“Okay, if you say so. It’s fine with me.”

 

“Unty Madet, play wit me?” She calmed down looking at the boy.

 

“Sure little Hawk.” She was glad about the distraction.

 

*

 

It was late and the reunion had been the same as every other party of the 4077th staff. They had laughed and danced and enjoyed the company of each other but this time Hawkeye wasn’t this easy. He slowly danced across the floor, holding Sandy close. He felt her soft hair and warm body. She had closed her eyes enjoying it deeply. Hawk was sure he loved her. She was cute and caring, young and beautiful. She adored him but he still had the feeling something was missing.

 

“I’m tired. Let us go to bed, Benjamin.”

 

“You go. I’ll come later. I just need a nightcap.” Sandy sighed annoyed as they walked over to the bar.

 

“Alright Benjamin but just one and then you’ll come.”

 

“Yes, love.” He bent down to place a quick kiss on her lips, “I’ll be there soon.” With a tender smile Sandy left.

He groaned as he sat down resting his head in his hands, needing a drink desperately.

 

“What’s this with ‘Benjamin’?” Margaret’s bitter voice let his head leap up. She was sitting on the stool at the far end of the counter next to the wall.

 

“She doesn't like Hawkeye. In her opinion I’m too old for silly nicknames.” He was moving on the chair next to her, ordering a drink.

 

“Ahh…” She drained her glass and indicated the bartender to refill.

 

“What’s wrong?” He inquired with concern in his voice.

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Oh, Margaret, do we always have to play this game? Even after all these years you can’t fool me.”

 

“Fine. Then it is none of your business.”  She snapped.

 

“Oh heck! What’s this with you women? It seems as if I can’t do things right with you.” He couldn’t stand the Major Houlihan right now.

 

“Trouble in paradise?” She asked scornfully.

 

“No.” Frustration was tainting his voice.

 

Both were nursing their drinks, lost in thought. Now and then they ordered another drink but otherwise they remained mute.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Her voice was soft.

 

“Tell what?”

 

“About your engagement. I thought we were friends.”

 

“We are but, I don’t know… I felt uncomfortable telling you.”

 

“Why?”

 

Hawkeye couldn’t answer without touching the banished area in his mind and heart and so he didn’t. Margaret got up, feeling his hand softly touching hers. His eyes were pleading, asking for approval, acceptance or at least forgiveness.

 

“I think I could love her.”

  
“I hope you’ll be happy.” She pressed a soft kiss to his forehead and left, not looking back.


	5. With but without him

Margaret was tossing and turning in the hotel bed. She couldn’t shake off the sight of his pleading eyes. They had pried a spot in her heart open, she had carefully stored away deep inside herself. Tears welled up as she realised that she had missed her last chance. She couldn’t fool herself any longer and no matter how hard she had tried to deny it she was in love with this stupid, unique man. The insight hit her where it hurt the most. She curled into a ball and sobbed uncontrolled. She hated the state she was in but couldn’t help herself.

 

She felt ragged as she slowly opened her eyes. Apparently, she had cried herself to sleep. The light stung her eyes and her head felt like someone had stepped on it.

 

She was on her way to the bathroom as she felt a piece of paper under her feet;

 

Dear Margaret,

We left early this morning but I really wanted to tell you that I wholeheartedly hope you will find the life you dreamed of.

Yours,

Hawk

 

She suppressed her tears, bringen the Major Houlihan mode into gear while she crushed the note in her hand.

 

“You can bet on it, buster!”

 

**

 

Dear Margaret,

I wish you a wonderful 4th of July.

Yours,

Hawk

 

She stored the card in a box on her shelve with all the others, not giving it a second thought.

 

**

 

Dear Margaret,

this year our turkey is as big as a cow.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yours,

Hawk

 

The cards still came but Margaret couldn’t bring herself to sent one herself. She excused herself by pretending her life was too busy.

 

**

 

Dear Margaret,

May your Christmas sparkle with moments of love, laughter and goodwill, And may the year ahead be full of joy.

Merry Christmas.

Yours,

Hawk

 

**

 

Dear Margaret,

happy birthday to you. I hope you have all your loved ones around to worship you the way you deserve. Maybe one day I’m able to be there too.

Enjoy your cake!

Yours,

Hawk

 

She was smiling about his birthday card and placed it on the table with her presents and other cards. She let herself be guided outside by William. She had been dating him for several month now and he ‘worshipped’ her enough for her liking.

 

**

 

Together with their families

 

Sandy Chloe Wittmann

and

Benjamin Franklin Pierce

 

request the pleasure of your company

at the celebration of their marriage

 

Saturday, the 9th of May

1959

at half past four in the afternoon

at the Pierce home

6055 Oceanview

Crabapple Cove, Maine

Dinner and dancing to follow

 

Margaret's heart sank as she read the invitation. After his note in the hotel room she had locked her feelings away behind big walls, determined to never let them well up again. But this time she had to fight hard. Her gaze fell on a separate piece of paper.

 

Dear Margaret,

I hope I will see you in May. You got me worrying because I haven't heard from you for so long. Please let me know you are alright.

Yours,

Hawk

 

**

 

Dear Margaret,

I was sad you couldn’t make it to our wedding. Bj told me you are fine and everything is well. Even though I wished I would hear it from you, I’m glad to know you are alright.

Yours,

Hawk

 

**

 

The cards still came. Sometimes Margaret was wondering, why he was still doing this. She didn’t feel the little sting anymore, every time a card arrived. Sometimes they made her smile, sometimes she didn’t care but, anyway, she had closed this chapter of her life and moved on.

 

**

 

Dear Margaret,

I just ran into one of our patients. A young boy with a bad chest wound. After all this years he recognized me immediately but I couldn't. It makes me sick that I didn’t know who he was. It makes me sick that we had to see so much young boys lying in OR that I can’t remember now.

He asked me about you. I told him you are fine and happy, even though I don’t know for sure. This also makes me sick. I feel an urgent need to jump onto a plane and go check on you.

I hope you are fine. I hope your life is what you deserve and I hope you have someone who makes you happy.

I really do miss you. Even if it was just a card or a letter every now and then, I was looking forward to hearing from you. I’m still not totally sure why you have stopped writing. I suppose you’re busy or someone else needs your attention.

I would be more than glad to hear from you.

I miss you badly.

Yours,

Hawk

 

She was sitting on her couch, holding his letter. Tears welled up in her eyes as she was reading it again and again. Three years had passed since the last reunion and she had thought she had gotten over him. But this stupid letter made her fall again. Fall for him. It was foolish. He probably was happily married on the other side of the country. Anger rose in her. Why would he miss her, if he had a wife at home. How he dare write her and tell her this. She crumpled the letter and threw it across her livingroom.

Her thoughts wandered to William. They had ended their relationship a year ago. He didn’t understand. He hadn’t seen what she had and couldn't cope with the strength she had developed because of it. She was nearly thinking Sandy could be right. Men were looking for tiny little wifeys and not for her. The soldier, the survivor, a Major.    

 

**

 

Dear Margaret,

I wish you a Merry Christmas.

Yours,

Hawk

 

**

 

Dear Margaret,

Happy Birthday!

Yours,

Hawk

 

**

 

Dear Margaret,

I’m still wondering, why I have to torture Bj for any information about you. Sometimes I think my life would be so much easier if I just could let you go but I can’t. We went to hell and back together. You will always be a part of me, even if I’m not a part of you.

I miss you.

Yours,

Hawk

 

Margaret sighed, reading his letters always made her tremble. His cards had become short and impersonal and she was fine with that. But his letters. They poked at her heart, at the spot hidden deep inside.

  
So she really feared the upcoming 10 year reunion. She wasn’t sure if she would be able to handle seeing him, speaking to him or being with him.


	6. Familiar strangers

His heart clenched as he walked into the venue. Ten years after the war had ended and all his old friends had come. No one had rejected to be here today, even though they all had the unwanted memories of the war coming up just as the good ones.

He let his gaze wander. It was already pretty crowded but his target was clear. He made his way through the people, excusing himself as soon as someone approached him. His mind was set on one single thing.

 

“I’ll get gin.” He ordered as he reached his destination. The moment he got the glass he drained it in one go. “Another on here, please.”

 

“Wow Hawk, be carefull the night is young.” He gulped the second one down and turned to hug his friend, “Beej, it is good to see you.”

 

“Same. Where is Sandy?”

 

“She couldn’t come. Where is the rest of your happy little family?”

 

“Erin stayed at home but Peg and the boys are over there with Margaret.” Bj pointed towards the opposite corner. “C’mon let's join them.”

 

“No, you go. I prefer to stay liquid.” He smiled but his friend wasn’t this easy to fool.

 

“Okay then I’ll call them over.” Bj turned before Hawk could stop him, “PEG, MARGARET!” He waved and the women made their way towards the bar.

 

“Oh, great.” Hawkeye sighed.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing!”

 

“Hey Hawk!” Peg’s voice stopped Bj from asking further.

 

“Hey honey! You look fantastic.” He placed a kiss on her cheek, hugging her.

 

“Little Hawk, you have grown!” He ruffled the boys hair.

 

Seeing Margaret, his faces stiffened, “Major.” He gave her a court nod.

 

“Pierce.” She nodded back as her stomach clenched. They stared in each other's eyes as the tension grew.

 

“Ooookay.” Bj said looking from one to the other, “What do you think, shall we find seats?” 

 

On the way to the big table Hawk slowed down, he was hoping someone would hold him back so that he wouldn’t be forced to sit near Margaret. He thanked god that he could always count on Radar who stopped him fast. To his annoyance he had to sit right on the opposite site of the blonde, though. Nursing his drink, he couldn’t focus on Potters mandatory speech or the following meal. He definitely needed more alcohol. He forced a smile onto his face and his resentment down, intending to enjoy the party and letting no one see his mood.

 

He found his way to the bar soon enough. If only one more person asked him about Sandy, he wouldn’t guarantee for this one's health.

 

“Hawk, are you alright?” Bj was joining him.

 

“Totally fine.” He answered bitterly, inspecting the liquid in his glass.

 

“What’s wrong? Is it about Margaret? What happened between you two?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“That sure doesn't look like nothing.”

 

“Look, I didn’t hear from her since the last reunion. I really tried to keep in touch. I wrote her cards and letters but nothing. So she wants to be a stranger, she will have it.”

 

“You haven't told me.”

 

“I don’t tell you everything.” Hawk snapped. The alcohol slowly took his toll and he struggled with his anger. “Give me the two bottles.” He ordered the bartender and left towards the garden.

 

“He is the second one asking for a bottle now.” The younger boy said to the surprised and worried Bj.

 

“Uh? Who was the first?”

 

“A blonde woman with a harsh tone. She also went into the garden.”

 

“That might become an interesting night.” Bj said more to himself then to his dialogue partner.

 

*

 

He was rounding a hedge, looking for a quiet place to drink himself senseless as he spotted Margaret on a bench, right in front of him.

 

“Oh, not you!” He groaned.

 

“Shut up, Pierce. I’m not in the mood to deal with you.”

 

“You are not in the mood? I’m not!”

 

“Why shouldn’t you and your perfect little world? I’m sure, what was her name Candy or something, can cheer you up at home!” She replied scornfully. 

 

“I’m impressed that you are talking to me. I thought I’m not someone you talk to or have you mistaken me with Bj.” Every word was dripping with anger.

 

“Oh c’mon, Pierce. Just because I haven’t wrote some stupid cards. I was busy. Get over it.”

 

“You were busy? But not too busy to write Bj. I really could have needed a friend, you know!”

 

“So? What about Bj or your lovely Candy?”

 

“SANDY HAS LEFT ME!”

 

Margaret looked up, seeing the pain on his face.

 

“She has left me.” His voice was soft and he sat down next to her, rubbing his face with both hands.

 

“Why?” All her anger had vanished as she saw Hawk sitting there, suddenly looking very small.

 

“She couldn’t understand me. She didn’t see the blood and the dirt and she didn’t comprehend the things coming with all this.” 

 

“I know what you mean.” William popped up in her thoughts. 

 

“She moved out. I… We tried to patch it up again but last week I got the divorce papers.” He felt her hand on his back, her knee touching his as she moved a bit closer.

 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I would have been if I had known.” Remorse rose in her. “You know what? We drink! We drink for every lost love and every upcoming. We drink for understanding and we drink for lack of understanding!” And with this she took the bottle to her lips. He was softly smiling at her, admiring her talent to bring him back on his feet. That was why he had needed her so badly the past years. With every gulp his pain and anger continued to shrink. He felt this tickle in his stomach. He hadn’t felt it in years and it shocked him to notice that he had missed it just as badly as Margaret.

 

*

 

Recalling the conversation in the garden, she was sitting on her bed. The alcohol and the fact that he was divorced made her dizzy. She could have tried. She could have told him that she had fallen for him but something had held her back. She was sure it wasn’t supposed to be and after his behaviour today she probably should be thankful for that.

A forceful knock on the door pulled her out of her thoughts.

 

“Margaret? Margaret are you awake?” Hawks voice sounded urgent.

 

She opened the door, “What do you want?”

 

He was stepping over the threshold, staring furiously at her.

 

“Why Margaret? Why have you left me? You promised. At least a card. I could even have lived with a note. Just one. Can you imagine how I have felt when Bj told me you two stayed in contact. To hear you are fine and happy and not too busy to tell him but not me, hoping… wishing for just a small sign of life from you.” His voice was rough, his eyes filled with sorrow and anger, pressing for an answer. 

 

“I thought we got over this. Go to bed!” She couldn't think straight. All the unbidden emotions welled up in her and sparked a hurricane she couldn’t control. Her anger rose.

 

“Why Margaret? Why?” He grabbed her shoulders.

 

“Because I had to protect myself.” She angrily burst out. “You showed up here, having your perfect little wife on your arm and I realised I missed my last chance. I had t-” His lips crushed hard on hers. His hand on the back of her head, not letting her go. Both released the desperation and anger into this kiss. She pulled him near, letting the door fall close behind him. Lips and tongues wrestling with each other. No tenderness, no affection, just anger. 

The back of her knees touched the bed, she let herself fall and pulled him onto her. He broke the kiss, steadying himself with both hands. His eyes were searching for something, not even he knew what as his mind desperately pleaded him to stop. 

She ripped his shirt open and he was lost. With a deep moan he kissed her again.

 

The sex was hard, rough. No love making. No softness. 

 

*

 

As he woke he felt the aftermath of the alcohol, his headache was killing him and the bad taste in his mouth made him sick. He stretched his arms and legs and tried to remember why his room looked different and his back burned. The truth hit him hard, he had slept with Margaret. Margaret. He looked around, not finding a sign of her. Groaning, he got up, collecting his cloth. On his way into the bathroom he saw a note neatly sitting on a table for him to find:

 

Dear Hawk,

now it is my turn to leave early. I’m sorry but I can’t do this. You are still in love with her and the last incidents underlined it. It wouldn’t work. I think we are not meant to be and we should accepted that. Let us forget about  all the deals we made. No commitment in any form. Just two people who knew each other in a different life.

I really need to protect myself. 

But still, I will miss you and I will think of you.

Yours,

Margaret

  
He rubbed his face. At least she had left a note. He wasn't sure if he liked it, feeling an urgent need to crawl back into bed, cuddling close to her. But she wasn’t with him and it looked like she would never be. 


	7. Doctor Pierce at your service

Margaret read her orders for the hundredth time. She was transferred to the VA hospital in Augusta. Augusta in Maine. Not Augusta, Georgia. Augusta, Maine. She had felt safe with 3000 miles between him and herself. But now she would practically live next to him just a year after she had left him behind in the hotel room.

Her mind went wild. Fear, anger, desire and hope fought within her. She had to go or leave the army. A choice she wouldn’t do for any man. Not even to avoid _him_. She still cared about him but she feared keeping up her walls would become more difficult as soon as he found out. Or worse, what if he didn’t even care? Until now she had been able to ignore him, erase him of her daily life but could she do with him less than 40 miles away?  

She packed her belongings. After all it was a command.

 

**

 

“It can’t be. She can’t…” Hawk stopped dead in his tracks as he saw a well known backside talking to the shop assistant.

 

“Who, what, where?” Daniel asked curious, looking around.

 

“It… she...can’t” The younger was staring through the window, the older followed his gaze.

 

“Do you know her?”

 

“This… is… Margaret…” Hawk was still overstrained with her being here in the middle of Augusta and not in Seattle.

 

“Oh THE Margaret?” Daniel understood immediately. His son hadn’t told him much but the way he was talking about her left no doubt she was something special for Hawkeye. But in which way he couldn’t say. “Now, son do you want to stare any longer at her back or go and say hello?”

 

“No! Let’s go.” Hawkeye answered not moving, his gaze was still glued to Margaret.

 

“Oh c’mon boy.” Without any hesitation the older went into the shop, leaving his son outside.

 

Margaret was just taking her bag as a strangely familiar face smiled at her.

 

“Hello Miss… Houlihan. My name is Daniel…” The realization took her off guard, “Daniel Pierce. You are... Hawkeye's father.” Her view fell on the man outside the window. Hawk slowly raise a hand to greet, both staring in disbelief at each other.

 

“Right. Because my son decided to be a modern art statue, I thought I say hello.”

 

“Hello.” She absentmindedly said, still lost in those blue eyes. Daniel smirked.

 

“What do you think, shouldn’t we go for lunch.”

 

“Ohhh… ehm… no. I… there is… I really have to…” Margaret couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough.

 

“I insist.” On his face, a familiar mischievous smile appeared as he held out his arm for her.

 

She collected herself. She had known the day would come and decided to act like it was nothing special. After a deep breath she replied, smiling in resignation, “Fine. It seems like I can’t resist the Pierce charme.”

 

“I taught him well.” Daniel grinned as Margaret took his arm.

 

“Oh, I don’t doubt that.”

 

Hawkeye was still unable to move as he saw his father and the blonde leaving the shop.

 

“We are going for lunch, care to join us?” The older winked.

 

“Hey Hawk!” She greeted airily as they passed him. He was still stunned about the whole situation, not able to return her salute. “You should consider, selling him to a gallery or something. He might be worth some good money.” Her witty remark made Daniel laugh hard.

He liked her the moment he set eyes on her and was now very curious to learn more about the Major.

 

*

 

They sat in a corner of a small diner. Daniel had placed Margaret at the window and took the seat in front of her. Hawkeye chose the place next to his father.

 

“Now, Miss Houlihan, I thought my son mentioned you live in Seattle. What is  bringing you here?”

 

“Please call me Margaret and you are right I was living in Seattle but the army ordered me to the VA hospital here.”

 

“Ah. He didn’t tell me.” The older was gazing towards his son.

 

“He didn’t know.” She answered quietly, looking ashamed down into her cup.

 

“Well then, I think you two have a lot of talking to do. Anyway I have to pick up some stuff. Margaret I’ll see you on Saturday for dinner at our place.” Margaret was about to protest but Daniel raised his hand to stop her. “And I won’t take no for an answer.”

 

“But dad.” The first spoken words from Hawk since they had met her came pleadingly. “I’m sure Margaret hasn’t got the time to either stay now nor come over for dinner on Saturday.”

With one short look over to her, Daniel replied, “I’m quite sure you’ll find a way.”

He got up, walking towards the door. ”I‘ll see you on Saturday, love” He said as he left the two alone.

 

“Well, he is a nice man.” Margaret said. “Now I know where your restrained manner is coming from.”

 

“It seems like the Pierce men can’t resist you. He sure does like you. I haven’t heard him calling someone ‘love’ in ages.” The situation was shaking the boundaries of his restricted area, causing this well known tickle to occupy his body.

 

“And I can’t resist the familie charm.” She smiled into her coffee.

 

“If you don’t mind, I would really like having you over for dinner. I could show you Crabapple Cove.”

 

“I don’t think it would be a good idea, Hawk. I think we should leave it as it is.”

 

“Just one dinner. And you heard my dad. He won't take no for an answer.”

 

“No really! I bet-”

 

“If you are not coming, I’m sure he will track you down and carry you all the way to Crabapple.”

 

“You are really like him, aren’t you?” She laughed.

 

“Maybe.” Hawk wiggled his eyebrows as he returned the smile.

 

“Oh fine. I’ll be there. But now I have to go.” She got up turning towards the door.

 

“Margaret,” he stopped her halfway, ”I… It was really nice to see you again.”

 

“It was also nice to see you.” She let herself have one last gaze into his eyes and left.

 

**

 

“Dad, please behave.” Hawk urged his father on as the bell rang.

 

“Why, son. Did I ever do something to embarrass you?”  He giggled as he stuck his head out of the kitchen, seeing his concerned child walking to the door.

 

“Please just don’t press on anything.” He opened on the second ring. Uneasy he took the bowl Margaret had brought and placed a brief kiss on her cheek. She smiled as her face reddened.

 

“Hey love, I’m in the kitchen.” Daniel called. She walked down the hall towards his voice, followed by Hawkeye.

 

“He really likes you.” Hawk whispered before they entered the room.

 

“Hello Daniel.”

 

“Ah, there you are. And how beautiful you look. Isn’t it right son?”

 

“Dad!”

 

“It’s just the truth.”

 

“Can I help you, Daniel?” Margaret tried to change subject, smiling about the typical Pierce attitude.

 

“No, No! You two go, doing whatever you want to do until I call you.” The older wiggled his eyebrows. “You have half an hour.”

 

“Dad, please.” Hawk was annoyed and ashamed at the same time. He knew his father liked her but he regretted telling him almost the whole story about him and Margaret. Hawk was sure he wouldn’t stop trying to play cupid.

But Margaret was right. They weren’t meant to be. How should they, no one finds love in a war zone. Maybe Klinger but this was totally different.

 

“You young people go and enjoy yourselves now!” Daniel shooed them away.

 

“We’ll better go, otherwise he will embarrass me to the bones with childhood stories.” Hawk frowned.

 

“Oh in that case, I would love to stay.” She giggled.

 

“I have some really cute naked baby photos in the album. I’ll get them for you.” Daniel was about to move laughing aloud.

 

“Okay that’s it.” The younger grabbed Margaret's arm and dragged her out of the kitchen. She groaned in disappointment and mouthed ‘later’ at Daniel.

 

“Would you like to see the house?” He asked stopping in the hallway. An awkward tension spread as they were standing there, her wrist still in his hand.

 

“Ehm… Yes. That would be nice.” She freed herself from his hold.

Silently, interrupted only by the descriptions of the rooms, they walked through the house. Reaching the porch, he sat down on the steps.

 

“This is one of my favorite spots. You can watch the sun go down or just marvel at the stars.”

 

She sat down next to him, carefully minding the space between them.

 

“It is nice here.”

 

“How long have you been in Augusta?”

 

“Two years.”

 

“And you didn’t even think of visiting me?”

 

“I… I did but you know… I thought it wouldn’t be wise.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Oh, please, Hawk. Don’t start again.”

 

“Why, Margaret?” He pressed.

 

“I didn’t want to fall for you again. We are not meant to be and I didn’t wanted to start fighting my heart again.” He took her hand.

 

Getting up and pulling away, she said “No, don’t! Let us get over with this and then go separate ways again.”. She left him sitting on the stairs.

His mind was muddled. Images of fights between them turned up. Images of her lying under him, naked in the dirt, in sheets all mixed up floated through. The feeling of her lips on his skin, skin on skin, lips on lips. Her body pressed to his in hundredths of hugs. Margaret with little Erin on her lap, just looking stunning. Red hair. Her kissing Frank, Donald. Sandy in sheets. Sandy in arguments. Margaret near climax.

Margaret in the Korean sun, all kaki and dust with a bittersweet gaze.

He lost himself in this long gone moment.

 

“Hawk… Hawkeye. Boy are you alright?” Daniel was shaking him out of his thoughts.

 

“Uh?”

 

“Are you alright? A flashback again?”

 

“Em… kind of yeah but I’m fine.”

 

“I thought it got be better.”

 

“Don’t worry, dad. It was just my mind running wild. I think I have to sort out some things.”

 

“You would be a fool to let her go.”

 

“That is not my decision.”

 

“It’s not?” Daniel turned to go inside. “By the way, dinner is ready.”

 

The evening passed and even though Daniel did his best to ease the tension it wasn’t an elated togetherness. The older questioned Margaret about her life and further and revealed a lot of embarrassing moments of young Hawkeye but the younger both barely spoke a word with each other until Margaret excused herself, ready to head home.

 

*

 

They were in front of her house, Daniel had insisted that his son bring her home. The awkward tension grew. She opened her door, ready to flee into the safety of her home.

 

“Listen Margaret, I would like to see you again. After all we are still… friends, I guess. Maybe we are not meant to be but that doesn't mean we can’t be friends.”

 

“Hawk, I’m not sure. Maybe we shouldn’t torture us. Whenever we got close it went wrong. Our past show-”

 

“So let us start all over again. Let us erase our past and see what happens. Hello my name is Benjamin Franklin Pierce. Everyone is calling me Hawkeye. I’m a surgeon, master of witty remarks and irresistible for every kind of human being. I have some sleeping issues because I have seen things nobody should have to see and I like to drink now and then to forget. Sometimes I can’t stand myself and sometimes I can’t stand the others. Sometimes I’m annoying, sometimes I annoy the others. Somet-” She placed two fingers on his mouth to stop him.

 

“Major Margaret Houlihan, nice to meet you.” Smiling, she turned and closed the door between them. She just couldn’t resist him, no matter how hard she tried.

 

**

 

Dear Margaret,

I was just around here and thought I leave you a little greeting.

Yours,

Hawk

 

Since they had met again, he now and then left little notes in her mailbox. They made her smile and were welcome after a hard day at the hospital.

 

**

 

_She was running, no eyes for the Korean landscape. Bombs exploded everywhere. Hawkeye was holding her hand as they suddenly changed the direction, yelling something she couldn’t hear, even though she was right beside him. She ran for her life, she ran for his life. A shell and then pain. She dropped to the ground. Hawkeye’s face over her in sorrow and pain, “Don’t worry Margaret. It wasn’t meant to be, anyway.”_

_The surroundings blurred and suddenly she was in the middle of Augusta, the bombs still exploding around her. She saw Daniel in the distance, waving at her. Hundreds of people were lying on the ground, dead or badly injured. “Daniel, go hide!” She yelled but he just waved. She tried to make her way to him as a hand grabbed her ankle. She looked down when a weak voice pleaded, “Please Margaret, forgive me.” As she saw the man's face she dropped to her knees. “Hawk, no!” She placed his head on her lap, watching him die as she caressed his face. “Margaret, please forgive me. I have always lov-” A Shell exploded right next to them._

 

Margaret woke with a start, feeling tears well up in her eyes. She hadn’t had those kind of nightmares for ages, so this one caught her off guard. She was panting hard and the tears rolled down her cheeks. She knew why she didn’t try to contact Hawkeye, it just teared open wounds she had hoped were closed by now.  

She got up trying to calm down. But even as she had finished her breakfast, she felt an urgent need to make sure Hawkeye was alright. So she took the phone and asked to put her through to a certain practice in Crabapple Cove.

 

“Dr. Pierce, at your service.”

 

“Hi, this is Margaret.” She wasn’t sure which of the Pierce man was answering.

 

“Oh, Margaret love. Great to hear you. How are you?”

 

“Fine, and you?”

 

“All perfect. Even though I would love to see a beautiful young lady at our place soon again.” Margaret could hear his grin through the phone.

 

“Maybe some other time. I ca-”

 

“Are you aware it has been 3 week since the last time?”

 

“Yes, Daniel, but I actually called to speak to Hawkeye. Is he in today?”

 

“No, It’s his day off. I’ll give you our home number.”

 

“Oh no. There is no need. I don’t want to bother him. But thanks.” Margaret felt her courage fade away.

 

“I’m sure it would be his pleasure.”

 

“Really no thanks. Bye Daniel.”  She hung up, not waiting for any response.

 

The next half an hour, she tried to distract herself from the uncomfortable feeling the dream had left her with. This wasn’t the way she wanted to spent her day off but on the other hand she would not risk to call Hawkeye and end up as a hysteric woman who just snapped about a bad dream. Daniel would have told her if something wasn’t right, so she should be relaxed.

The bell rang. Margaret was wondering who that could be. Even after two years she hadn’t this much friends and especially none who would ring without calling in beforehand. She opened in full Major mode, ready to fight.

 

“Pierce?!”

 

“Major!” He smiled slightly bitter, “I know we wanted to start again but I didn’t know we were back at last name base.”

 

“Oh, no. Sorry, I was just surprised to see you. What are you doing here?”

 

“My dad told me, you asked for me. He indicated that you might need me.”

 

Margaret frowned loudly over his sentence. “Terrible human being.” But she couldn’t suppress a hint of a smile.

 

“Why Margaret. That hurts. I’ll come here to your rescue and you...” He put his hand to his chest in fake pain.

 

“Oh stop it! I don’t need you to rescue me and you know that.” She was laughing.

 

“Right. But why did you call out of the blue?”

 

“I… just… Oh it really doesn't matter any more. But thanks for checking on me.”

 

He eyed her suspiciously but decided to not press this time. “So if I’m here already, what do you think may I come in or do you have something to do?” With hesitation she stepped out of his way, letting him in. He slowly walked into her living room. He was quite surprised to see how comfy her home was. His gaze fell on a picture of the M*A*S*H family, as he sat down on the couch.

 

“Do you want something to drink?” Margaret asked.

 

“No thanks.” With this she took a seat on the other side of the couch.

 

“I feel bad that you spent your day off here. You must have something better to do. I told your father I-”

 

“Don’t worry, Margaret.” His words brought her nightmare up again and she jumped up as the tears welled up.  “Margaret?” She hurried into the kitchen. “I’ll just get something to drink. Sure you don’t want anything?” She needed all her strength to sound calm and normal.

The tears fell down her face as she let the water run. She hadn't heard him coming. His arms came around her shoulders as she sobbed. She turned in his embrace and hid her face against his chest. “Shhh, Margaret. Everything will be fine. I’m here. Shhh.” He held her close until she calmed down. Embarrassment rose in her as she stepped back.

 

“I knew there had to be something wrong if you call.” He smiled softly at her. “Tell me.”

 

“No. Thanks for caring but I think you better go now.”

 

“Margaret.” It was his ‘c’mon’ tune. The one which let her know he wouldn’t leave it be, but she just stared into his eyes, not willing to reveal her issue.

With purpose, Hawk was walking towards her couch again.

 

“I asked you to go.”

 

“And we both know I won’t as long as you are not telling me what’s wrong.” He sat down.

 

He was right, she knew that but had hoped differently. She slammed next to him in defeat.

 

“I had a pretty nasty nightmare. And this left me with an urgent need to check if you are alright.”

 

“A nightmare, uh? And why didn’t you do so?”

 

“I just didn’t want you to think I’m hysteric or something.”

 

“Don’t be silly. We went through really bad things and sometimes they get back to us. I would never think something like that about you. Please promise me whenever this happens again you just call me or come over.” He moved her head, so she had to look into his eyes, with his last sentence.

 

“I…” She sighed “I promise.”

 

“By the way you are not alone.”

 

“Do you have them, too?” She was surprised.

 

“Not really nightmares but lately I have some unpleasant flashbacks.” For a split second his face went hard but then he covered it with his usual mischievous smile. “But then I just think of your bikini photo and all is fine again.” He wiggled his eyebrows as she frowned. “Maybe I should sent you some of my bikini photos just to be fair.” He added with a grin and Margaret started laughing hard about this idea.

  


*

 

As she closed the door behind Hawkeye, she leaned against it. She never had thought about the fact that he was not only the reason for but also the recipe against the nightmares. His presence and reaction today had eased her mind. Maybe it was possible to be friends and maybe she even needed him. As a friend.

 

Hawkeye was driving home. He thought about the day with Margaret. He still hadn’t sorted out his feelings. He knew he needed her but in which way wasn’t clear. He was willing to be her friend but under the surface there was this tickling, this longing feeling which made him want to cross the line again. It always worked well for him to suppress it but was he willing to do that anymore?

 

**

Dear Margaret,

my dad is hoping you come over for Thanksgiving dinner.

Yours,

Hawk

 

She knew she had no choice. By now she had learned that Daniel wouldn't back down. So she called in to tell them she would come.

 

**

 

Dear Margaret,

If you are in town I would love to see you on christmas. The dinner will be even better as the one on Thanksgiving. And I promise this time my dad will behave!

Yours,

Hawk

 

She giggled. The old man had tried very obviously to pair them off. She was sorry that she already confirmed her sister's invitation. The two man slowly became her second family and she was sure christmas at the Pierce’s house would be wonderful.

 

**

 

Daniel was waiting outside the VA hospital, checking his watch again and again.

 

“Excuse me Miss, I’m waiting for Major Houlihan. Do you know if she is off duty anytime soon?” He asked a nurse.

 

“She must be out in a few minutes.”

 

“Thank you.” Daniel started to walk up and down. He was kind of nervous. His task wasn’t an easy on.

 

“Daniel? What are you doing here?” It was the first time he saw her in uniform. He lost all his thoughts as his jaw dropped.

 

“Wow, love, if I would be just a few years younger…then... mhhh… You wouldn’t have any chance!”

 

“Daniel…” She blushed.

 

“Em… right… My son ordered me to pick you up.” He held out his arm.

 

“Are you allowed to tell me why?” Her eyes became slits.

 

“No. He made crystal clear I’m not supposed to do that.” Daniel ginned.

 

“And I’m sure I have no chance to say no.”

 

“Right again, love! Now we better hurry.”

 

Realising who she was talking to, she gave in, just accepting her fate.

 

“Fine but could we at least stop by my place so I could get changed?”

 

“I’m afraid there is no time for that and you would make an old man very happy if you stay like this.” He had a dirty grin on his face like the one she had seen all too often on his son's face.

 

“You know, if I would be just a few years older…” She laughed.

 

“Let’s go, love.” He said, giving her a wink.

 

They drove across town and towards Crabapple Cove. Daniel asked her about her day and her plans for the weekend. Soon they stopped in front of a beauty parlor.

 

“C’mon you are already a bit late.” Daniel jumped out of the car.

 

“Late for what?”

 

“Your appointment.” He walked into the shop, leaving a wondering Margaret behind. She stared at the sign, trying to process the situation. From inside, Daniel signalled her to follow so she got out of the car and went into the shop.

 

“Ah, Mrs. Pierce. Nice to meet you. Please take a seat over there and we will start right away.” A woman in her thirties kindly smiled at her pointing towards a chair. Margaret’s gaze followed her arm, then jumped back to her companion.

 

“Daniel?” She hissed low.

 

“It was Hawks idea.”

 

“And why did he have to enroll me under your name?” She gritted her teeth, minding to keep the voice low so no one except Daniel could hear her.

 

“Oh, that was me. I thought you might like it and get used to it.” He smirked and left the store before Margaret had a chance to say something. She stared angrily after him. He really was like his son.

 

“Shall we start, Mrs. Pierce? Do you like a coffee?” The voice of the woman pulled her out of her thoughts.

 

“Em.. yes, Thanks. Would you be so kind telling me, what we are going to do now.”

 

“Your husband ordered the all round package.” Margaret twitched as he heard the word ‘husband’. “That includes a haircut, manicure, pedicure, face pack and make up.

 

“Oh, okay. You have to excuse me, it was a big surprise.”

 

“Don’t worry he told me, that it is a surprise and you might be a bit... irritated.”

 

“Did he?” Margaret raised her eyebrows, as anger slightly rose in her.

 

“Yes. Your husband is a lovely man. I wish I would find someone like him.”

 

“I’m a really lucky little wife!” she stated sarcastically as she sat down.

 

*

 

Hawkeye hoped Margaret had calmed down as he entered the beauty parlor. His father had told him about her ‘not so amused mood’ when he left, so he was prepared for the worst.

She just came out of the room in the back, as he saw her. His gaze fell on her legs. He loved the way those A classes underlined her still perfect body. He let his eyes follow her lines upwards, enjoying every little curve, taking in every little detail. He was just flashed by her view.

She cleared her throat. Her arms akimbo and a smile on her face but her eyes let him know this wasn’t a good one.

 

“Darling, you look beautiful!” He opened his arms with a loving smirk, hoping to cover up his fear. To his astonishment she walked into his embrace saying, “Thanks hon. It was a lovely surprise.” She gave him a pick on his cheek and then whispered, “if you ever pretend to be my husband again, you’re doomed, buster.” She broke the embrace, smiling overly sweet.

 

“Okay, my love, we better go.” He shifted uncomfortably, knowing full well she meant it. She took his arm and let him lead her to his car. They climbed in and made their way through the streets.

 

“Can you tell me what this is all about!” She hissed.

 

“You really don’t know?” He was shocked.

 

“No!”

 

“Margaret are you kidding me? It is your birthday!”

 

“My birthday... “ Her thought process stuttered to a halt. How could she forget her birthday?

 

“I told you I would worship you on your special day if I ever got the chance.” He grinned.

 

“I… ehm… It was really a lovely idea. But you don’t have to. My birthday is not important to me.”

 

“But I want to.” He smiled softly.

 

“No really, Hawk. This all makes me uncomfortable!”

 

“I can tell you, we crossed the point of no return.”

 

“Then tell me, at least, where are we going.”

 

“We go out for dinner.” Margaret leant her head back sighing. She couldn’t believe he actually did all this for her.  

They stopped in front of a fancy looking restaurant. Hawk got out of the car opening her door. She got out, taking his offered arm again. He lead her through the restaurant towards a curtain.

 

“I booked a private room.” He winked, making her frown.

 

He held back the curtain and let Margaret see his actual surprise.

 

“Happy birthday, Margaret!” All in the room cheered. For a second, she was frozen. Her gaze fell on Bj and his family, Potter and Mildred, her sister Clare and her family and Daniel. She wasn’t able to say or think something. Hawk gave her a kiss on her cheek and said softly, “Happy birthday, baby.” as he walked by. Margaret was standing in the doorway staring in disbelief at her friends and family.

 

“C’mon, sis. Sit down.” Clare encouraged her and Margaret followed her request, still not sure if this was real.

  


*

 

Margaret was pressed tight to Hawk as they danced slowly over the floor. She was  still stunned about the things he had done for her as she saw the others moving around them.

 

“I don’t know how to pay you back.” She smiled up to him.

 

“It was my pleasure. But I can surely think of something.” He wiggled his eyebrows.

 

“Thank you.” Ignoring his hint, she allowed herself to rest her head at his chest. He pulled her closer as he took in her scent. He was glad it had worked out so well. He wanted to make her happy and was sure he’d reached this goal. He closed the eyes enjoying her fully.

 

“Sooner or later” Peg whispered to her husband watching the other pair. Bj shook his head. “It sure looks like later. Can you believe that?”

 

**

 

Dear Hawk,

Thanks for the lovely day. No one ever made such an effort just for me. I’m infinitely grateful for having a friend like you.

Yours,

Margaret

 

**

 

“Pierce residence. Your loyal servant at your service.” Hawk answered the ringing phone.

 

“Hi, Margaret here.”

 

“Hi, Mags.” He had heard her sister calling her that and loved it in an instant, to the chagrin of Margaret.

 

“You know I don’t like you calling me Mags!” She frowned.

 

“Okay Hotlips, I won't do it again.” He smirked.

 

“Oh heck, I thought to ask you if you would like to go see the firework for the 4th of July but I better ask someone else.” She was about to slam the phone down.

 

“NO! I would love to go with you. I swear I’ll be good.”

 

“Mhhh… I don’t know… You swear?”

 

“Yes!”

 

“On your nudist magazines?”

He laugh loudly, “If you wish even on those.”

 

“Okay. I’ll be at your place at nine.”

 

“I’m looking forward to it. See you later.”

 

“See You.”

 

*

 

She was nervous as she waited in front of his home. The dynamic of their relationship had changed since her birthday. In the last month she had found many notes in her mailbox and the call at the weekend was mandatory. They spent more and more time together lately. They went to the cinema, for lunch or shopping. She needed way more strength to keep herself controlled and the walls up.

 

“Ready to go?” Hawk asked her in his hand a basket and a blanket.

 

“I didn’t know we need something for the firework.” She looked at the things in his hand.

 

“My dad made us a picnic.” He smiled. “You know him.”

 

“Sent him my thanks.” She smiled and they made their way towards the park.

 

Hawkeye placed the blanket on the grass and they sat down exactly in time for the beginning. As the first rocket exploded in the sky Margaret jumped causing him to put his hand on her tight.

 

“Are you okay, Mags?”

 

“I’m fine. But I still can’t stand those noises.”

 

“Then why did you want to come here?” He was worried.

 

“I like the lights.” She felt a bit childish. He smiled and put his arm around her. He held her close feeling her jump less with every rocket. Half way through the show she had rested her head at his shoulder and his hand had moved to her hip.

Unwilling to move they had sat for a while after the last firecracker launched. Margaret was shivering not sure if the temperature was the reason.

 

“We should better go before one of us catches a cold.” He needed all his strength to pull away.

 

“You are right.” Margaret answered as unpleased as Hawk was and started to pack things.

 

On the way back home, their hands touched on their own. Hawkeye gathered all his courage and took hers. She looked up in surprise and freed herself after a few seconds. He stopped, looking angry at her.

 

“I’m tired of games. I’m tired of pretending I don’t care about you, Margaret.” He pulled her in a hard kiss. Margaret was ready to slap him as soon as he released her. All the unbidden memories of the last time he did so, of Sandy and of his attitude appeared in front of her eyes.

His cheek reddened directly after she hit him. “I’m not your lovely little Sandy. If you think you can do this with me, you're wrong.”

 

“Slowly, I think I would be better of with her again. I shouldn't have turned her down as she called a few days ago.” His voice was bitter.

 

“Oh, go on buster. I won’t be in your way. I would never hinder you finding true love. You two really deserve each other.” Her stomach clenched, feeling tears well up in her eyes. She stormed off, determined to not let him know how hart his words had hit her.

 

He saw her walking away, shaking his head. “Well, maybe you’re doing it just now.” He whispered sadly, recalling the situation again.

 

**

 

Dear Mags,

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean the things I have said. I miss our activities and phone calls. I miss you. Don’t ban me again, please. I don’t think I can live without you.

I think this is the twentieth version I wrote and I still can’t find the right words.

I can only hope you will understand me anyway.

Always yours,

Hawk

 

She had ignored his calls and visits. She was still furious about the situation. But after three week she had confessed to herself that she was more angry about herself than him by now. His letter broke the last anger in her. She did understand him but wasn’t sure if she was ready for all this.

 

**

 

Dear Hawk,

I’m not sure what this is with us. I start to think we can’t live with nor without each other. We are like fire and ice. Like day and night.

I don’t know how we should ever work outside Korea but I know I can’t risk not to try.

I missed you, too.

Always yours,

Mags

 

**

 

Dear Mags,

I would love to see you on Saturday, if you don’t mind.

Always yours,

Hawk.

 

**

 

He had brought her to the beach. They had walked along the sea till the sun had started to vanish behind the horizon. Sometime in between, he had found her hand and this time she allowed it. He pulled her down onto the sand as he dropped to the ground. They hadn’t spoken much as they were just relishing the day together. He placed her between his legs, closing his arms protectively around her. Both watching the sun slowly disappear in the distance.

He got lost in the tickling feeling as she relaxed against him.  

 

“I have never loved her.” He suddenly confessed. She remained silent, not knowing what to say.

 

“It never tickled.” He shifted, lifting her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes. They showed love and desire. This time the kiss was tender and soft. She felt her lips start to tickle and couldn’t hold back a soft smile. Her hands went up his back and into his hair as she deepened the kiss. She wasn’t able to restrain herself anymore. Her walls weren’t high enough. All the resolutions she’d had over the years just faded with the sun. She let herself have all the feelings she had suppressed for so long, allowing to just let things happen.

He carefully laid her down in the sand. Breaking the kiss, he moved a few inches away, one hand under her head, the other at the side. His thumb caressed her hair and cheek, while his eyes studied every inch of her face. “Do you know how beautiful you are?” He pressed another kiss to her lips. “And how long I have waited for this, for you , for us?” He kissed his way down her jaw towards her neck. She knew he didn’t want an answer and lifted her head in pleasure of his touch. His careful fingertips found all the sensitive spots, as they explored her body with a tenderness, causing her to be irreversibly lost.

 

**

 

To Daniels delight, Margaret became a permanent guest at the Pierce residence. She helped in the house and cooked now and then.

 

“You know I’ll get 50 next year.” Hawk smiled at her over his newspaper.

 

“I know.” She was peeling an apple.

 

“And coincidentally we have the 15th reunion as well.” He returned his gaze to the paper again.

 

“I know.” Her tone got impatient.

 

“It might be a good opportunity to fulfill our promise.”

 

“Which promise?” Daniel asked as he entered the kitchen, seeing them sit at the table.

 

“We decided one night, nearly 15 years ago, that we get married if we both are still single at the age of 50.” He answered, smiling but not looking up.

 

“We said we get together.” Margaret corrected, not understanding what Hawk had meant.

 

Daniel was amused by her mistake. “Son, I think you have to make it clear.”

 

The younger smiled and took a small box out of his pocket, placing it on the table as Margaret looked up.

 

“What…” She stared in disbelief at the box and then moved between the two men. Hawkeye slowly folded his newspaper and got up, taking the box in his hand. His heart hammered in his throat. He slowly walked over to her, kneeling down.

 

“My love,” he stopped to swallow a big lump, “you are really the most stunning women I’ve ever met and I don’t like the thought of losing you ever again. So there is only one thing I can do. Would you give me the honor to marry me?”

 

**

 

Margaret “It’ll be a cold day in hell” Houlihan

and

Hawkeye “We are just too different” Pierce

 

invite you to join them

as they swallow their words

and join hands in marriage

 

at the 15th reunion of the M*A*S*H 4077

in 1968

 

Frolicking and food immediately following ceremony

  
  
  
Bj was laughing about the card. “Peg, finally! FINALLY!” He was waving with it as he ran towards his wife.


	8. Sooner or later

The venue was nicely decorated in white and light green, as Daniel checked one last time on the music and father Mulcahy. He was as nervous as on his own wedding day. His gaze fell on his son standing with his best man in front of the padre. All the friends and their families were sitting in expectation, waiting for the bride. He closed the door and turned to Margaret. She looked beautiful in her sweeping white dress, flanked by Peg and the bridesmaids.

 

“Are you ready, hon?” He asked as he offered her his arm. She had asked him to walk her down the alley, making him prouder than ever.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“It will all work. You will see.”

 

“Thanks, Daniel.” She smiled.

 

“You know what, you just say a word and we are off here, love” He grinned and winked.

 

Margaret laughed and felt her tension loosen as the music began. The door opened and they walked down the alley. 

Hawkeye was amazed as he saw his bride. Bj nudged him, looking just as proud as if Erin was the one heading towards them. Both men grinned madly as the padre started to say his lines. 

Margaret couldn’t focus on his words, her mind was filled up with a mixture of fear and joy. The touch of Hawks hand pulled her out of her thoughts. 

Knowing full-well Margaret wasn’t as relaxed as she should be. He held her hand to show her that everything would work out. 

 

“You now may kiss your bride.” With this the father finished and looked at them with joyous expectation.

 

Hawkeye lifted up the veil and kissed Margaret passionately as Bj yelled “It’s about time!”.

 

“Sure, it is.”, “Finally” and “You say it!” came from the members of the 4077th. It seemed like everyone had waited for it to happen. 

 

*

 

Hawkeye and Margaret hovered over the floor for their wedding dance. He held her tight, while she had closed her eyes, resting her head at his chest. For the first time in ages they felt at peace. All the years of fight and anger, of depression and hesitation, of hurt and sorrow where finally gone for good. Everything that mattered, was now and them.

 

**

 

Dear Hawkeye,

It was a truly beautiful wedding and my heart still leaps because Margaret and you finally got together. But If you ever hurt her or don’t treat her right I’m personally coming to kick your ass to the moon and back again, son. 

With love,

S. Potter

 

**

  
  
  


Erin Hunnicutt

and

Samuel John Miller

 

Invite you to join the fun

as they stand together

before family and friends

extending their friendship

to include the vows of marriage.

 

Friday, June 7, 1972

at 4:30 in the afternoon

  
  


105 Valley Cir

Mill Valley, California

 

Dinner, dancing, and merriment to follow

  
  


**

 

Hawk, Margaret,

Words cannot even begin to express our sorrow. The loss of Daniel hit us hard.

We are sending you a hug and love through this note.

 

Please remember that we are here to help however we can. Just let us know.

Our deepest condolences.

Bj, Peg and the kids

 

**

 

Love,

I know it wasn’t easy with me the last year. I’m so grateful that you are still by my side. You are the one who brought me through my loss and no matter how unbearable I was you went through it and took me with you. 

Thanks,

Hawk

 

**

 

Dear friends,

I’m proud to tell you that I’m such a great dad that I got promoted to grandpa.

Looking forward to see you next month.

hugs, 

Bj

 

**

 

Dear Clara, 

My life is well and to answer your question, he still treats me like his queen. If you had ask me earlier I would have never expected him to be like this. I’m just a bit sad we needed this long to find us. I would have loved to have my own children. 

Tell me about the little ones. How is it going?

Kisses,

Mags

  
  


**

 

Hey you two,

Little Hawk is going to study Medicine (I know, I have tried to put him off doing it but he is as stubborn as his godparents - yes I blame it all on you.) He chose the university of Maine (for this I blame you as well) Would you take care of him?

Love,

Bj

 

**

Hawkeye, Margaret,

it is with our deepest sorrows that we inform you of the death of our beloved Husband and Father, Sherman Potter on 11th September 1977. A small family memorial service will be held on 20th September at 4pm.

Yours,

Mildred

 

**

 

My love, 

I just wanted to let you know, even after 10 years I’m still overwhelmed by the fact that you are part of my life. 

Love,

Hawk

 

**

 

My friends,

I’m still infinitely grateful for your help and support. You helped me through a very hard time. Can you believe Peg made it after this bad illness? I’m the luckiest man alive. 

Thank you for all you did! 

I love you two.

Bj

 

**

 

Hawkeye and Margaret were sitting on the porch. She was cuddled up against his side, his arm wrapped around her. Memories flooded his head. Memories from a lifetime ago, of a kiss in khaki and dust. 

 

“Love, do you remember our goodbye kiss in Korea?”

 

“Sure I do.” She smiled, watching the sun go down as he pressed a soft kiss on her hair.

 

“The moment we kissed I saw this. Us sitting here, all gray and old.” 

 

“You know, I saw the same.” She looked up at him. 

 

“Thank god, we finally made it.” He smiled lovingly at her. 

 

She placed a tender kiss on his lips.

 

“Mhh… Hotlips!” He kissed her again.

 

“Benjamin Franklin Pierce, aren’t you even at an age of 72 able to be a grown up?” She giggled. Grinning, he shook his head and started to place noisy little kisses everywhere he could reach.

 

“I love you, Margaret!” He stopped, with sincerity on his face he looked deep in her eyes.

 

“I love you, too Hawk” As she did so often, she lost herself in his eyes. Drowning in the deep blue. She kissed him passionately, making them feel the hard unforgiving Korean sun one more time on their lips. 

 

 

  
The end.


End file.
